Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Land of a Thousand Dances

So as I was saying to Nige, I've never had a problem doin' the Pony, the Chicken or the Mashed Potato and I can still just about manage the Alligator on a warm day. My Watusi days, alas, are behind me (skiing accident). My Twist is a little jerky, my Jerk a little twisty. I've long struggled with the Fly, the Tango, the Yo-Yo and the Sweet Pea; and I'm afraid the Hand jive, the Slop, the Bop, the Fish and the Popeye have always eluded me.

These are merely the 16 dances mentioned in the original Chris Kenner release of the song Land of a Thousand Dances, later made famous by Wilson Pickett and covered by such distinguished artists as the Walker Brothers, Roy Orbison and Vinnie Jones.

It is a little known fact that the first cut of the song did indeed contain references to exactly 1,000 different and genuine dances, all of which Kenner would perform with vim at his riotous live shows. It was only for reasons of disc space and commercial viability that Kenner was persuaded to edit the recording down to 2 minutes and 12 seconds, from its original fourteen hours.

The dances included the Sprong, the Fop, the Malty Mash (below), the Slug, the Goop, the Ping, the Nads, the Slurper, the Cloot, the Kingsnorth, the Bleg, the Worm, the Pug, the Big Cahuna, the Lop, the Ligger, the Django, the Spango, the Mop, the Lackadaisical, the Breaststroke, the Egg, the Muggsy, the Gaw, the Grippy Leg Leg, the Spinal Collapse, the Nige, the Monkeyhammer, the Toe Jive, the Cornet, the Risky One, the Kevin, the Googly, the Wrong'Un, the Portly Gentleman Insouciantly Entering a Brothel, the Bog, the Tuesday, the Spinach, the Cupcake, the Vincent Van-a Gogh-Gogh, the Judd, the Possible Weasel, the Miserable Wretch, the Serious Misjudgement, the Monty, the Crabalocker Fishwife, the Wobbler, the Garden of Earthly Delights, the Boff, the Grope, the Git, the Waltz, the Anatomy of Melancholy, the Gang of Small Unruly Boys, the Random List, the Yoghurt, the Welshman, the Willard, the End of All Things, the Fag, the Time I Got That Mysterious Item in My Shoe, the Bang!, the Scooch, the Lembit, the Trouser Press and the Rumba, to name but sixty-five or so.


Gaw said...

You forgot this this one. I believe it's called the Leadership Contender.

malty said...

Nige's would be the military two step. There are so few absolutes in life, one of them being that men over the age of twenty six must never, under any circumstances, venture onto the dance floor, the dad-at-a-wedding syndrome kicks in, this I know to be true, learnt through bitter personal experience, at one point my eighteen year old daughter sent me to Coventry for weeks, did you see yourself, er, er, no.
Dancing, in whatever form from the Comanche war dance to Brits attempt at an Uma Thurman is strictly for the young 'uns.

I might also add than men over the age of thirty should give some serious thought to discarding their jeans.

Hey Skipper said...

I might also add than men over the age of thirty should give some serious thought to discarding their jeans.

Uh Oh.

I have been wearing Levis 501s for 45 years.

Why does self awareness have to be so darn difficult?

malty said...


malty said...

Not the same pair I hope, Hey Skipper