Somebody pointed me towards this clip from Tyra Banks's TV show, in which she reveals her "number one beauty secret" to an audience of female fans.
Watching it provides a glimpse of the full, frightening extent of the depth of my inability to understand:
a) Americans; and
b) women.
Brace yourselves, chaps. This isn't pretty.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
I refute it thus
So, Think of England gets panned for being nothing more that “watching Brit wrestle every deep philosophical problem through "dunnoism", (which as far as I can tell is defined as ordering another pint, complaining about the English soccer team and watching clips of Amy on YouTube)”.
I would like to protest in the strongest possible terms against this slanderous and unfair critique.
Meanwhile, Boris Johnson argues that the English soccer team is responsible for crushing the academic aspirations of a generation of young working-class men:
It is precisely because so many of our young males have such reverence for football, and identify with footballers, that we need to think anew about the relationship between English football and education, and it is time, as a nation, that we faced a horrendous truth. We just don't seem to be much good. We weren't much good in the World Cup, and we have just had an agonising draw against Israel. For all I know, by the time you read this we will have been thrashed by Andorra, and if manager Steve McClaren keeps his current form, we can expect a run of torrid goalless draws against San Marino, Liechtenstein, Monaco and Luxembourg.
It is time, moreover, that we addressed the crisis, and faced the appalling possibility that there is a correlation between our footballing achievements and our general attitudes to education. Of course this is a nation already suspicious of intellectuals, and there is nothing more hilarious and deplorable than a swot on the pitch.
Is this true? I dunno. But mine’s a Staropramen if they’ve got it, and although sticks and stones may break my bones, my tears will dry on their own.
I would like to protest in the strongest possible terms against this slanderous and unfair critique.
Meanwhile, Boris Johnson argues that the English soccer team is responsible for crushing the academic aspirations of a generation of young working-class men:
It is precisely because so many of our young males have such reverence for football, and identify with footballers, that we need to think anew about the relationship between English football and education, and it is time, as a nation, that we faced a horrendous truth. We just don't seem to be much good. We weren't much good in the World Cup, and we have just had an agonising draw against Israel. For all I know, by the time you read this we will have been thrashed by Andorra, and if manager Steve McClaren keeps his current form, we can expect a run of torrid goalless draws against San Marino, Liechtenstein, Monaco and Luxembourg.
It is time, moreover, that we addressed the crisis, and faced the appalling possibility that there is a correlation between our footballing achievements and our general attitudes to education. Of course this is a nation already suspicious of intellectuals, and there is nothing more hilarious and deplorable than a swot on the pitch.
Is this true? I dunno. But mine’s a Staropramen if they’ve got it, and although sticks and stones may break my bones, my tears will dry on their own.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Some favourite philippics
Word of the week, brought to us by Mark, is 'philippic'. According to Harry, a philippic is basically a rant in verse format.
And as Harry correctly notes, you don't see too many of them these days...
...Except for on Think of England, of course! In a shameless piece of self-publicising, here are some ToE philippics of recent times, in case you missed them:
Philippic against chavs; against reverse art snobs; against gym culture; and against DIY.
And as Harry correctly notes, you don't see too many of them these days...
...Except for on Think of England, of course! In a shameless piece of self-publicising, here are some ToE philippics of recent times, in case you missed them:
Philippic against chavs; against reverse art snobs; against gym culture; and against DIY.
Andorra: my new least favourite team
Yes, England were appalling (despite a 3-0 win and with the honourable exception of Stevie Gerrard ). And yes, McLaren is many nautical miles out of his depth. And yes, even without the Worst International Footballer in the World clogging things up, this was another dismal performance.
But let us not overlook those plucky minnows Andorra. They too put in a sterling display of awfulness that belies their lowly ranking of 161st in the world. Why should England hog all the criticism when Andorra did more than enough to deserve a healthy share of the abuse?
I’m racking my brains, but I don’t think I have ever seen a more degrading performance of fouling, diving, cheating, whingeing, play-acting, time-wasting and negativity by an international football team. And I’m counting Portugal.
My intuition that Andorra are the dirtiest team around is, I find, backed up by hard stats. In the 2006 World Cup qualifiers, they picked up more red and yellow cards than any other nation.
The mind struggles to comprehend the motivation of the Andorran players. If you’re going to be minnows and lose every single one of your qualifying games, as Andorra unfailingly do, why not be brave, admirable minnows? Why not at least attempt to at least have an attempt on goal? You’re not going to get any points, so why not bring some joy into it, instead of making the game, and the world, a slightly nastier place?
The time has come to stop giving these nihilistic football pygmies the chance to kick lumps out of superstars who entertain millions of club fans every week. Let San Marino, Andorra and every other team in the ranking high hundreds play their own little tournament, with the winner getting a chance to play in a WC or EC qualifying group. Unedifying spectacles like last night’s game should become a thing of the past.
But let us not overlook those plucky minnows Andorra. They too put in a sterling display of awfulness that belies their lowly ranking of 161st in the world. Why should England hog all the criticism when Andorra did more than enough to deserve a healthy share of the abuse?
I’m racking my brains, but I don’t think I have ever seen a more degrading performance of fouling, diving, cheating, whingeing, play-acting, time-wasting and negativity by an international football team. And I’m counting Portugal.
My intuition that Andorra are the dirtiest team around is, I find, backed up by hard stats. In the 2006 World Cup qualifiers, they picked up more red and yellow cards than any other nation.
The mind struggles to comprehend the motivation of the Andorran players. If you’re going to be minnows and lose every single one of your qualifying games, as Andorra unfailingly do, why not be brave, admirable minnows? Why not at least attempt to at least have an attempt on goal? You’re not going to get any points, so why not bring some joy into it, instead of making the game, and the world, a slightly nastier place?
The time has come to stop giving these nihilistic football pygmies the chance to kick lumps out of superstars who entertain millions of club fans every week. Let San Marino, Andorra and every other team in the ranking high hundreds play their own little tournament, with the winner getting a chance to play in a WC or EC qualifying group. Unedifying spectacles like last night’s game should become a thing of the past.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Rooney's Rocket Fells Fat Frank. Nation Slightly Cheered Up .
Wayne Rooney has given England a massive boost ahead of their crunch qualifying match against the mighty Andorra.
His ferocious shot in training has nobbled The Worst International Footballer in the World.
"Let's just hope Rooney's shooting is as accurate when it comes to the game", quipped long-suffering England fan Brit.
His ferocious shot in training has nobbled The Worst International Footballer in the World.
"Let's just hope Rooney's shooting is as accurate when it comes to the game", quipped long-suffering England fan Brit.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
How green was my valley?
Who is the greener: the crunchies or the carbonophobes?
A fascinating intra-green battle was described on Radio 4’s ‘Crossing Continents’ programme last night.
Iceland’s government wants to build a simply mammoth dam to feed energy to a new smelter and ultimately to sell ‘clean’ hydro energy to the world. It is estimated that by using this 'clean' energy, carbon emissions from aluminium production are reduced by some 90%.
But wait. The dam will mean flooding some places, draining others and generally wrecking the aesthetics of the landscape. Omar Ragnarsson, who seems to be an Icelandic version of Jon Snow, claims that the Karahnjukar dam has “the greatest irreversible environmental impact possible in Iceland.”
Environmentalists from across the world are charging to Iceland - presumably after neutralising their flights – to protest against the carbon-reducing green power. And Bjork has written a song about it.
A fascinating intra-green battle was described on Radio 4’s ‘Crossing Continents’ programme last night.Iceland’s government wants to build a simply mammoth dam to feed energy to a new smelter and ultimately to sell ‘clean’ hydro energy to the world. It is estimated that by using this 'clean' energy, carbon emissions from aluminium production are reduced by some 90%.
But wait. The dam will mean flooding some places, draining others and generally wrecking the aesthetics of the landscape. Omar Ragnarsson, who seems to be an Icelandic version of Jon Snow, claims that the Karahnjukar dam has “the greatest irreversible environmental impact possible in Iceland.”
Environmentalists from across the world are charging to Iceland - presumably after neutralising their flights – to protest against the carbon-reducing green power. And Bjork has written a song about it.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Mexican post-postmodernism
A new theme park gives thrill-seekers the chance to play at being desperate Mexicans trying to illegally cross the border to the US.
Visitors to the Parque EcoAlberto are put in the position of workers struggling to escape across the Mexican border. They must hike through undergrowth, dash down steep hills and across rivers, and slip under barbed-wire fences, reports Metro.
Also, they must stay out of the crossfire of watchful border guards during the four-hour night-time ordeal known as 'caminata nocturna'.
Each visitor pays the equivalent of £10 for the privilege at the theme park in Hidalgo, actually a comfortable 700miles from the US border.
I'm not normally one for saying that the World Has Gone to Hell in a Handcart, but...
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Googleproof Quiz update
Two questions from the Googleproof Quiz have been answered correctly.
1. Who was Gerald? Was it PA, BH, RB or TE?
2. Who was the fat, funny guy who was in the one with the guy who went into the head of the guy who said it was beyond his control?
Answer: Jack Black. John Malkovich repeatedly said that it is "beyond my control" in Dangerous Liaisons, John Cusack went into his head in being John Malkovich, and Jack Black co-starred with him as the fat funny one in High Fidelity.
3. Who said (Nox3)?
Answer: Amy Winehouse. She said No, No, No in the song Rehab.
Congratulations to Adelephant who got number 2, and to Duck who got 3.
Here's a clue for 1: it's from a British novel. And the man who discovered Gerald was GS.
(Note to Duck, it is not sufficient merely to guess correctly from the multiple choice. You have to explain why.)
1. Who was Gerald? Was it PA, BH, RB or TE?
2. Who was the fat, funny guy who was in the one with the guy who went into the head of the guy who said it was beyond his control?
Answer: Jack Black. John Malkovich repeatedly said that it is "beyond my control" in Dangerous Liaisons, John Cusack went into his head in being John Malkovich, and Jack Black co-starred with him as the fat funny one in High Fidelity.
3. Who said (Nox3)?
Answer: Amy Winehouse. She said No, No, No in the song Rehab.
Congratulations to Adelephant who got number 2, and to Duck who got 3.
Here's a clue for 1: it's from a British novel. And the man who discovered Gerald was GS.
(Note to Duck, it is not sufficient merely to guess correctly from the multiple choice. You have to explain why.)
Interviews
Two avid readers* of Think of England conduct interviews with great minds this weekend.
Bryan Appleyard interviews Ian McEwan, and Robert Crampton talks to Garry Kasparov.
*Well, both have popped in anyway. (That's Appleyard and Crampton, not McEwan and Kasparov. As far as I know.)
Bryan Appleyard interviews Ian McEwan, and Robert Crampton talks to Garry Kasparov.
*Well, both have popped in anyway. (That's Appleyard and Crampton, not McEwan and Kasparov. As far as I know.)
The Worst International Footballer in the World
Don't get me wrong, Frank Lampard is a terrific club footballer.
But exactly how bad, how consistently, stinkingly, hilariously rotten does he have to be to get dropped from the England football team? Must he execute clownish fresh-air swings every time the ball comes to him? Must he pick up the ball with both hands and fling it into his own net? Must he commit scything career-ending tackles on his own team-mates? Must he continuously and insanely blast own-goals for a full 90 minutes?
As he plods incompetently around the midfield game after game I find my desperate laughter becoming hysterical and frightening.
But exactly how bad, how consistently, stinkingly, hilariously rotten does he have to be to get dropped from the England football team? Must he execute clownish fresh-air swings every time the ball comes to him? Must he pick up the ball with both hands and fling it into his own net? Must he commit scything career-ending tackles on his own team-mates? Must he continuously and insanely blast own-goals for a full 90 minutes?
As he plods incompetently around the midfield game after game I find my desperate laughter becoming hysterical and frightening.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Back to black
Here's Amy's latest.
Bits like the bit where it goes all slow after about 3 minutes are what raise her above the rest.
Bits like the bit where it goes all slow after about 3 minutes are what raise her above the rest.
Friday, March 23, 2007
The danger of isms
Mick Hume in the Times:
Coming soon to a bedroom near you: the Good Mosquito? Scientists are reportedly trying to engineer a genetically modified bug , with green eyes or fluorescent testicles, to combat the spread of malaria. But beating a disease that kills almost 3,000 children a day will involve swatting other green pests who put their concerns before those of Africa.
Anti-malarial GM mosquitoes remain a distant prospect. Yet already The Times has to report that any such innovation “would prove controversial with environmental groups”. These same groups have crusaded for 30 years to stop people killing mosquitoes with dichlorodiphenyl trichloroethane (DDT) — with devastating results for Africans.
Last year the World Health Organisation finally conceded that indoor spraying with DDT is safe and effective. Better three decades late than never, some might say. Yet many still suffer DDT-denial. Eco-alarmists who claim that the science of global warming “proves” malaria is coming to Britain seem less keen to face the scientific case for DDT, instead of searching for any alternative.
Thus the BBC’s Red Nose Day jamboree last week broadcast just about every taboo word except “DDT”. Instead, their antimalaria campaign, fronted by ghoulish pictures of a child dying, asked us to buy mosquito nets for Africa. Is that really the best we can offer? Colonial-era “technology”, updated with some insect repellent, under which Africans swelter while we sleep with a clear conscience? Oddly, there was no mention that South Africa has now abandoned these nets in favour of indoor DDT spraying, which one US senator describes as “a huge mosquito net over an entire household for round-the-clock protection”.
The trouble with environmentalism is that it has become an ism. And, as with so many isms, it ends in anti-humanism.
Coming soon to a bedroom near you: the Good Mosquito? Scientists are reportedly trying to engineer a genetically modified bug , with green eyes or fluorescent testicles, to combat the spread of malaria. But beating a disease that kills almost 3,000 children a day will involve swatting other green pests who put their concerns before those of Africa.
Anti-malarial GM mosquitoes remain a distant prospect. Yet already The Times has to report that any such innovation “would prove controversial with environmental groups”. These same groups have crusaded for 30 years to stop people killing mosquitoes with dichlorodiphenyl trichloroethane (DDT) — with devastating results for Africans.
Last year the World Health Organisation finally conceded that indoor spraying with DDT is safe and effective. Better three decades late than never, some might say. Yet many still suffer DDT-denial. Eco-alarmists who claim that the science of global warming “proves” malaria is coming to Britain seem less keen to face the scientific case for DDT, instead of searching for any alternative.
Thus the BBC’s Red Nose Day jamboree last week broadcast just about every taboo word except “DDT”. Instead, their antimalaria campaign, fronted by ghoulish pictures of a child dying, asked us to buy mosquito nets for Africa. Is that really the best we can offer? Colonial-era “technology”, updated with some insect repellent, under which Africans swelter while we sleep with a clear conscience? Oddly, there was no mention that South Africa has now abandoned these nets in favour of indoor DDT spraying, which one US senator describes as “a huge mosquito net over an entire household for round-the-clock protection”.
The trouble with environmentalism is that it has become an ism. And, as with so many isms, it ends in anti-humanism.
Googleproof quiz
As we all know, Google is the most powerful information tool ever devised. You have at your fingertips all of mankind's accumulated knowledge and stupidity. Compared to you, Samuel Johnson was blundering about in a dark swamp of primitive ignorance.
The only drawback to this is that quizzes are too easy.
However, I have devised the following (hopefully) Googleproof questions, for which you'll need to rely on your brain. Give it a go, it'll be retro fun.
1. Who was Gerald? Was it PA, BH, RB or TE?
2. Who was the fat, funny guy who was in the one with the guy who went into the head of the guy who said it was beyond his control?
3. Who said (Nox3)?
The only drawback to this is that quizzes are too easy.
However, I have devised the following (hopefully) Googleproof questions, for which you'll need to rely on your brain. Give it a go, it'll be retro fun.
1. Who was Gerald? Was it PA, BH, RB or TE?
2. Who was the fat, funny guy who was in the one with the guy who went into the head of the guy who said it was beyond his control?
3. Who said (Nox3)?
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Deeper into Voltronese
I have had no proper sleep since Tuesday night, so the prophesies are coming easily today.
Once Voltronese has become the universal language and has drastically reduced the variety of souls on the planet, we will see various splinter groups appear.
Youths, responding to ever-faster development in technology and online virtual reality games, will introduce new slang terms at a rate that terrifies the original Voltron generation. Reactionary organisations called things like the Society for the Protection of Proper Voltronese (or, in Voltronese, the Puretalk Voltron Massiv) will be formed, demanding that all lingo should be limited to the official Voltron Grammar and Vocabulary as laid down in the ultimate authority, Wikipedia. These organisations will sprout terrorist extremes.
Scientific leaps will mean that everybody is medically immortal, so age ceases to be a factor. National and religious boundaries will have evaporated as globalisation, reinforced by the dominance of the Voltronese tongue, turns the world into a monoculture. The only thing that divides people will be the strictness of their adherence to the Wikipedia Voltronese. The Third World War will be fought over whether Shakespeare was the original Voltron.
In the rubble of the nuclear aftermath, rambling survivors will discover tiny clandestine pockets of rudimentary civilisation. Here, crude aboriginal languages are still spoken. Welsh, for example.
Once Voltronese has become the universal language and has drastically reduced the variety of souls on the planet, we will see various splinter groups appear.
Youths, responding to ever-faster development in technology and online virtual reality games, will introduce new slang terms at a rate that terrifies the original Voltron generation. Reactionary organisations called things like the Society for the Protection of Proper Voltronese (or, in Voltronese, the Puretalk Voltron Massiv) will be formed, demanding that all lingo should be limited to the official Voltron Grammar and Vocabulary as laid down in the ultimate authority, Wikipedia. These organisations will sprout terrorist extremes.
Scientific leaps will mean that everybody is medically immortal, so age ceases to be a factor. National and religious boundaries will have evaporated as globalisation, reinforced by the dominance of the Voltronese tongue, turns the world into a monoculture. The only thing that divides people will be the strictness of their adherence to the Wikipedia Voltronese. The Third World War will be fought over whether Shakespeare was the original Voltron.
In the rubble of the nuclear aftermath, rambling survivors will discover tiny clandestine pockets of rudimentary civilisation. Here, crude aboriginal languages are still spoken. Welsh, for example.
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