Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Kick-a-Ken Doll

A night worker at Madame Tussauds faces losing his job after posing for photos groping star waxworks.

In one of the pictures Bryan Boniface is shown pulling down Kylie Minogue's hotpants and [censored - ed].

In others, he is seen beating up Sven Goran Eriksson, throttling London mayor Ken Livingstone and grabbing disabled Professor Stephen Hawking.

Bryan's ex Sofia Oliveira leaked the shots when their 11-year romance ended, reports The Sun.

Bryan, of London, said: "I'm in hot water."

A spokesperson for the museum said: "We do not encourage this."

This story is notable for two reasons.

First, the amusing economy of words in the quotes (“I’m in hot water.” “We do not encourage this.”).

Second, because it clearly points the way to a bold and profitable new direction for Madame Tussaud’s.

Given the lamentable disappearance of the stocks for allowing the general public to vent their often justified anger at various celebrity good-for-nothings, incompetents and fraudsters, Smash-a-Sven and Kick-a-Ken dolls should prove enormously popular as the next best thing.

Major pests such as Livingston and Eriksson would obviously be permanent fixtures in the rubber Rogue’s Gallery, but you could happily accommodate a rotating Dummy of the Month feature for those celebrities - like Jamie Oliver, Clare Short or the Prince of Wales - whose tendency to irritate the nation is more variable. International guest stars such as George Bush and Christiano Ronaldo could also feature, though it would be superfluous to put the World’s Most Annoying Foreigner in the stocks since he’s already done it voluntarily.

In a similar vein, we should also abandon this annus horribilis’s utterly pointless Sports Personality of the Year show in favour of a Sports Dimwit of the Year. The ‘winner’ should be roundly booed and presented with an ornamental wooden spoon for Outstanding Contribution to the Humiliation of British Sport in 2006.

Current nominees are Frank Lampard, Steve Harmison and the clear favourite, Andy Robinson.


Peter Burnet said...

This is a godsend. No need for we conservatives to struggle any more to find ways to defend traditional values to the young without coming off like remnants of the last ice age. Forget kids, religion, morality, the social order, etc, all young people should be warned to get married and eschew divorce because that's the only way they can guarantee the pics will stay out of the newspapers and the flics off of YouTube.

Brit said...

Except that many people yearn to be in the newspapers and on YouTube, even in notoriety.

Duck said...

Here, again, we see the similarities between religion and show business. How else to explain this overwhelming desire to get into vdeo of any kind, other than as a desire for immortality.