Dear Sir or Madam,
Will you read my book? It took me years to write, will you take a look? It’s sort of Martin Amis meets Germaine Greer, with a touch of Steve Bruce and a little bit of something lighter; those are my fave writers. It's the dirty story of a dwarf named Keith, he’s got ‘PFC’ engraved on his teeth. His son plays right-back for Leddersford Town, his wife’s a female eunuch and his mate is a bare-knuckle fighter, a right evil blighter. It's ten thousand pages, give or take a few, though I could cut it down if you need me to. The cupcake section could be changed around; and I’ve been told that the chapter where Jase Rooney goes on an all-nighter could be a bit tighter. If you really like it you can have the rights to any spin-off movies or theme park rides. But you must remember I know where you live, and all I need is some petrol and a cigarette lighter, and the World will be Brighter.
Yours et cetera