Friday, March 19, 2010

One quarter of human misery...

...is toothache, as Thomas de Quincey or someone like that possibly said some time in history. I can dig it; a miniature molar is currently forcing its way through Brit Jnr’s infant gumline. That tooth is a terrible strain on us all.

De Quincey’s estimation also tallies with the Study of Human Misery I’ve been conducting on behalf of Gallup. My survey showed that 25% of human misery is indeed dentistry-related. 13% is airport security, 11% is Tuesday and 6% is the feeling that it’s getting too late to catch up with contemporaries who appear to have been more successful than you. Christmas accounts for 4% of human misery, the Go Compare adverts for 3% and the remaining 38% is Paris Hilton.

This last seems grossly unfair. Few realise that beneath Paris Hilton’s veneer of Slutty Attention-Seeking beats a sold gold heart of Exhibitionist Promiscuity, and I for one would gladly don helm, visor, comb, gorget, pauldron, breastplate, plackart, fauld, rerebrace, couter, vambrace, gauntlet, greave, cuisse, fan-plates and sabaton, mount my charger and, with flamberge and spetum slay any number of Black Knights or dragons to defend whatever paltry scraps remain of what we might laughingly call "Paris Hilton’s honour".

14 comments:

Gaw said...

Cheering, sir knight. Thank ye.

worm said...

ooh, I'd say that the 'colleagues who are more successful than you' one rates much higher on my misery scale!

Other things include 'waking up with a hangover, and a funny sick feeling in your stomach that you may have inadvertantly revealed too much during a dinner party conversation last night'

'having diahorrea at work, and only one unisex toilet in the office'

'seeing photos of yourself in which you seem to have a few more chins than you previously realised'

'being cut up in traffic by an 18 year old chavvy girl in a stupid light blue citroen saxo with an exhaust like a dustbin'

Paris Hilton looked like a pretty poor performer on her sextape. I think it was the bit where she answered her phone whilst having sex that really put me off.

Sophie King said...

Since you mention de Quincey, a bit of laudanum in the babe's milk would surely help?

Recusant said...

'being cut up in traffic by an 18 year old chavvy girl in a stupid light blue citroen saxo with an exhaust like a dustbin'

She got you as well, Worm? She 'did' me last Saturday. Grrrrr......

Brit said...

'having diahorrea at work, and only one unisex toilet in the office' - ooh that 'unisex' is bad luck, Worm.

Sophie - any idea where I can get hold of some laudanum, preferably on the cheap?

Joey Joe Joe Jr. said...

6% is the feeling that it’s getting too late to catch up with contemporaries who appear to have been more successful than you.

I'm with worm, 6%, seems to low - and Morrissey agrees.

David said...

The tooth is annoying now, but infinitely valuable 17 years from now when she wants to go out with her friends instead of staying home with Mum and Dadders.

As for the rest, I stand with Sartre: Hell is other people.

Willard said...

Laudanum is so yesterday, Brit. Go for some mephedrone. Apparently you can get it at any good garden centre.

Gaw said...

Have you tried Dr J Collis Browne's mixture, available from any good chemist? That has morphine in it and is as close as you'll get nowadays to laudanum, at least legally. I drank a bottle once and wrote an epic poem about our local curry house.

worm said...

...is your local curry house called Xanadu, Gaw?

Gaw said...

Yes, run by a Mr K Khan.

zmkc said...

Trying to get the bank to accept that you've changed addresses has to score some percentage on the misery scale, surely - we are still locked in that process almost four months after we moved. It's their bland refusal to admit fault that I find especially hard to bear. Actually any bank dealings are horrible.

Susan said...

Worm, diahorrea on a train without a loo is worse and don't ask how I know. Brit, where do BA, roadworks, BT or the Post Office rank in your study?

Gadjo Dilo said...

But it's never too late to watch contemporaries-who-only-bothered-to-catch-up-with-you-when-they-were-more-successful-than-you fail :-)