Monday, October 19, 2009

Why I do not approve of grey jogging bottoms


The grey jogging bottom is amongst the leading sartorial eyesores to be found on Britain’s highways and byways. Professional tailors are wont to physically cringe and whimper upon encountering a pair, and even the lay observer may find himself blenching when, from the window of his Audi or the comfort of his Starbucks armchair, he spots a set of them flouching to the newsagent or taking a bulldog for a walk.

Why, only this very morning my eyes were assaulted by the sight of a pair of grey jogging bottoms. Sagging baggily beneath some sort of hooded jumper and above a brace of white running shoes, they loosely encased the legs of a gentleman in early middle-age. He was chaperoning his children to school and in the contrast with their smart uniforms one could almost fancy that the respective clothing of adult and minor had somehow been magically shrunk, grown and switched by some mischevous demon.

Thus the infantilisation of Western culture. Thus the emasculation of Modern Man. Thus the decline of the once-great British Empire: from the pantaloon to the breech, from the breech to the spat, to the trouser, the slack, the chino, the jean and, at last, the bottom.

And that, to summarise, is why I do not approve of grey jogging bottoms.

25 comments:

Gaw said...

A worthy adversary dear Brit. I saw a pair with elasticated bottoms worn with black leather slip-ons and greyish socks just yesterday. They were topped by a baseball cap and L&B drooping from lower lip.

In the words of Lenin, 'what is to be done?'. I intend to defend the higher ground: first, the cravat.

Gaw said...

The fightback continues here.

monix said...

When I saw the word "flouching" I thought you had mistaken the Boswellian s for f. However, on googling the word, guess what came top of the page? TofE is not just tops for searches by angry Scots but for seekers of obscure words, too.

Brit said...

Wowee, Google works quickly. I coined it this morning - to suggest flopping, slouching and flouncing.

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

Let be the only person here to defend them. They happen to be extremely comfortable. I wear little else on a weekend.

worm said...

Brit, not sure if you know but apparently grey 'bottoms' are really 'in' for sloany student guys right now - the required look is dark leather timberland boots, loose hemmed grey bottoms, an abercrombie/ superdry hoodie and a beany.

In the same way that the moustache and biker look was appropriated by the gay community, so the betting shop tracksuit has been appropriated by the moneyed.

My fiance keeps trying to get me to buy a pair, but she is foolishly labouring under the misapprehension that I have any interest in taking part in the feeble charade that is 'fashion'.

malty said...

Goodness only knows what Brit, that Brian Sewell of schmutter, will make of loose fitting, grey lifestyle bottoms, when they become stained by yogurt, coffee, vindaloo or newspaper ink.
Personally I feel that, worn with a flung pelisse and sabretache they are perfectly acceptable.

Gaw said...

Brit, you may have coined not just a neologism but also a legomenon - a word Worm unveiled the other day. Quite an achievement. But only if you guard it carefully.

Sean said...

Is that all gray jogging bottoms inc the ones from Marks and Spencer, or just the ones from matalan?

Peter Burnet said...

Do not accustom yourself to use big words for little matters.

--Samuel Johnson

Brit said...

Little matters, indeed! If what Worm says is true, and if Sean is right about M&S stocking the offensive bottoms, then this is even more serious than I feared. Clearly we need more flung pelisses and quickly.

Peter Burnet said...

Ah, the tragedy of the modern social conservative. He raises the banner for flung pelisses to combat the appalling grey jogging bottom, only to awake one morning to see he's spawned a comeback in doubleknits.

worm said...

Brit, as Gaw says, if you never use the word 'flouching' again you may have created your first legomenon, a rare feat indeed!

as for the trousers - I present exhibit A:

http://www.asos.com/Boss-Green/Boss-Green-Logo-Back-Pocket-Track-Pants/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=726922&cid=4910&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=20&sort=-1&clr=Grey


...a mere snip at only £100.

malty said...

M&S may stock jogging bottoms but they sure as hell don't stock pellises, of any hue, what sort of buyers do they employ these days.

Gaw said...

Eff me. A hundred nicker!

malty said...

May I offer for your delectation Yewrop's biggest, finest outdoor activity clothing emporium, Globetrotter based in Koln's Neumarkt, four stories high, mini lake in the basement, complete with Canadian touring canoes. This gobsmacking establishment offers clothing and kit for everything from rollerblading to base jumping and mushing (although sadly not the doggies) It has a massive collection of jogging and power walking schmutter, although it must be said that the wealthier locals prefer doing it whilst dripping in Gucci. Brit, you would be in seventh heaven, jogging pants with every conceivable type of elastication, bagginess factor and colour, with or without IPod or Blackberry pockets, convertible legs, zipped ankles, button or zip flies, plain or with your personal logo, a bespoke tailoring service is, however, not available. The first time that I entered this hallowed hall the Hoff was browsing, what better recommendation could one ask for.

Gadjo Dilo said...

They're shown off to best effect when there's a roll of flesh protruding above them, preferably with a belly-button ring in it.

Gaw said...

Known as a muffin top Gadjo.

martpol said...

But are they acceptable for jogging?

Brit said...

Jogging is unacceptable.

Nige said...

Hear hear! There'd be a lot less of this sort of thing if more of us wore cravats. As I need hardly point out.

Ghanshyam Nair said...

Is it jogging bottoms in general you disapprove of, or merely grey ones?
I have a pair in orange - is that okay?

Brit said...

It had not previously occured to me that orange ones might exist, GN. Even in my most unsettling nightmares. You must burn them this instant.

Nige said...

Hey! Someone's stolen my identity - or perhaps my memory... I don't remember making that comment, tho I suppose I broadly agree with it. There is of course no conceivable excuse for jogging bottoms, of any colour. They're a by product of obesity and its close relative laziness.

Walter said...

Practically speaking, gray jogging pants or sweatshirts when drenched with sweat, it really shows every affected area, which is really embarrassing to some. That is why I wear some other color and cloth material that doesn't show sweat marks that much when I jog around Glendale parks and recreations.

Even though I go shower after jogging and changing my clothes for our bonding time with friends by watching the outdoor concerts (Denver), the stench of the pants will bleed through my bags due to the wrong fabric choice.