Monday, February 22, 2010

Tiger Woods, sex, humans

To watch Tiger Woods’s excruciating, stage-managed press conference – in which he professed gratitude for having been caught at it because this would, at last, give him a proper chance to entirely change his nature and live henceforth as a sort of monk or perhaps robot (the X500 series Family Man Mk III model) – was to witness a great confluence of various streams of human hypocrisy and folly.

The Americans, as we know, are so confused about sex and morality that they almost make we Britons look like the French. Almost, but not quite. Somehow the tabloid punditocracy has become the moral authority in such matters, demanding a mythical, parent-replacing ‘role model’ status for sportsmen (though not for rock stars. The reasons for the distinction between golf ball-whacking and guitar-strumming in relation to sexual mores are unclear, but both ball-whackers and guitar-strummers seem to accept the rules). What else is going on? Women, of course. Despite everything, a sad delusion persists in the WAG world that merely winning the lottery ticket which raises you from the ranks of rivals long enough to persuade a young, virile, rich superstar to wed and impregnate you will in itself be sufficient to change his character and protect him from the hordes of gold-diggers. “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it” sang Beyonce, as if that would make a difference to Tiger Woods or John Terry or their predators. Here’s another popular song: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?”

Tiger will now attempt to become a different entity: one more like the character in his computer game. Playstation pixels are our new family role models, the sponsors demand it. He will fail, of course, and therefore inflict far more misery on himself and those close to him than if he just accepted his playboy status, handed over millions of dollars to his wife and loved his kids as best he could when he saw them on weekends.

“Secrets and lies!” one might have shouted at the Woods press conference. Secrets and lies are the foundation of our societal structures, we need them. This is why we cannot tolerate Dwight Yorke. He sticks out a mile, a model of honesty and openness, laying bare the hypocrisy of the game and refusing to play it. He is uncanny and dangerous.

7 comments:

Willard said...

I thought as I watched his apology that years ago the public wouldn’t have needed apologies and talk of therapy. He would have simply joined a long line of adulterous shits and we would have thought no more about it. Sponsorship changed the rules. Perhaps it’s the new Catholicism. So long as he spends Sunday confessing his sins...

Gaw said...

Well and deservedly nailed. Unbelievably, the story led Friday's BBC News at Ten. But yesterday's headlines and stories in the Sundays provided the best comedy: the journos had adopted their po-faced, first draft of history tone to reflect on Friday's momentous events.

Willard said...

I agree with Gaw. It's as though the media are looking around, waiting to see who is going to be the first to burst into laughter.

Matt said...

Well, the media once idolized Tiger as a model of Buddhist Virtue. Turned out he's an excellent golfer but not a student of the Fire Sermon. Tsk, tsk, etc. "We regret the error" might be appropriate at this point-- but, in fact, they don't.

worm said...

I thought the whole point of golf was that it was a sport for men who no longer find their wives attractive, or are bored of being nagged, and thus use the sport as an excuse to stay out of the house for as long as possible. Surely then Tiger's ill-treatment of his spouse should actually improve his standing with the 19th hole fraternity?

Hey Skipper said...

When my life comes to its inevitable end, I may not have much to reflect upon with real pride, but I will have this: I have not read or heard a single word of Wood's supination.

The other thing I will be able to ponder is that one cannot fall off a cliff one is not standing next to. Being not being particularly attractive to women makes virtue far easier.

Although not be honestly bragged about.

Susan said...

Golf is tedious and I suppose this makes Tiger mildly less boring, though sadly not more cultured, or better looking. Men are s**ts, but we love you (probably because we can't take you seriously).