Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I hope this isn’t too late to be entered into the Appleyard/Alsop architectural competition.

Inspired by Gaw’s account of the ossuary of Hythe Church, and mindful of the requirement that the building be ‘multi-purpose’, I noticed a gap in the market for some sort of mausoleum which also offers high-quality dining featuring locally-sourced organic produce. After intensive focus-grouping, I rejected both CharnelHouseSnackz and reliquary/BAR as brands in favour of the more direct 'Gastro-Ossuary' (pictured below).

90% of the seats in the Café-Bar (1) offer unrestricted views of the Ossuary (2), allowing diners (or, indeed, casual drinkers) to reflect on their mortality and corporeality as they sample the seasonal menu. The slaughterhouse (3) is situated upstairs and accessed via a central staircase (or lift for the disabled); or by the pig steps (5) from the organic free-range farm (4). The ‘Noseybonk’ crèche and play area (6) is separated from the slaughterhouse by the Hub (7), a vast black prohibitively-expensive marble oblong, which acts as a central focus-point for the whole building. The attic (8) can be used for storage or converted into two reasonable-sized double bedrooms.


worm said...

utterly excellent! although disappointed to see there's no ball pool



Gaw said...

Soup? Bones are great for stock.

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

What can I say? It's impossible to compete with such vision when allied with architectural training.

malty said...

Your too late, mate, Little Chef are there already.

Anonymous said...

Did you really believe we at the Yard wouldn't understand the significance of putting the slaughterhouse directly above the ossuary? Did you imagine we would never find your secret laundry chute between them? It's game over for you, Sicko. Better lawyer up.

Brit said...

Are you touting for the business, Peter?