Well, the first Test was pretty dismal, wasn't it?
A magnificent start followed by a tame capitulation, admittedly in the face of outstanding bowling from the best spinner who ever lived, and probably the best seam bowler who ever lived.
So while we wait for those bastards Warne and McGrath to hurry up and finally bloody retire, let's cheer ourselves up with a look at some great Ashes quotes (culled from the Sunday Telegraph):
Us on them
“The aim of English cricket, is in fact, mainly to beat Australians."
Jim Laker in his autobiography, 1960
"The Australian temper is at bottom grim. It is though the sun has dried up his nature."
Sir Neville Cardus
"All Australians are an uneducated and unruly mob."
Douglas Jardine to Australian wicketkeeper Stork Hendry during the Bodyline series, 1932-33.
"I'm very proud, very proud of my heritage - and, unlike Mr Keating, I do have one."
Ian Botham before the 1992 World Cup final in Melbourne. Botham left a banquet after an entertainer made fun of the Queen. The Australian prime minister, Keating, accused him of being "precious"
"Not bad for the worst team ever to leave England."
Mike Gatting on winning the 1986 Ashes, after facing the usual suggestions about his team's weakness
Them on us
"Don't give the bastard a drink- let him die of thirst."
England captain Douglas Jardine's favourite piece of barracking from the crowd in Sydney during the 1932-1933 Bodyline series
"Bailey, I wish you were a statue and I was a pigeon."
Heckle from the Sydney crowd, MCC's 1954/55 tour to Australia
"Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I'm building an idiot."
Australian barracker addressing England's Phil Tufnell 1994-95
"I dunno. Maybe it's that tally-ho lads attitude. You know, there'll always be an England, all that Empire crap they dish out. But I could never cop Poms."
Jeff Thomson, Australian fast bowler, 1987
"McCague will go down in Test cricket history as the rat who joined the sinking ship."
Daily Telegraph Mirror in Sydney on Martin McCague's 1993 selection for England against Australia, where he grew up
"What do you think this is, a f****** tea party? No you can't have a f****** glass of water. You can f****** wait like the rest of us."
Australian captain Allan Border to England batsman Robin Smith, Trent Bridge Test, 1989
Showing that Aussie stereotypes are generally accurate:
"I acted as pacemaker on the first leg - from Melbourne to Honolulu - then others helped out on the last two stretches as I enjoyed a good sleep. When we got to London, Graeme Wood and I were fresh enough to help him off the plane. The man needed some help after 45 cans!"
Dennis Lillee describes Rodney Marsh's attempt at the Australian beer drinking record during the f light from Australia to England for the 1985 Ashes
"In my day 58 beers between London and Sydney would have virtually classified you as a teetotaller."
Ian Chappell, former Australian captain, informed that David Boon drank 58 beers on the flight to England, 1989. Boon claimed to be scared of flying
"G'day, howya going?"
Australian fast bowler Dennis Lillee addressing the Queen at Lord's, 1972
On Warne’s miracle first ball in Ashes cricket:
"How anyone can spin a ball the width of Gatting boggles the mind."
Martin Johnson, in The Independent, on Shane Warne's ball of the century which bowled the famously rotund Mike Gatting in 1993
"If it had been a cheese roll, it would never have got past him."
Graham Gooch continues the theme
"Bradman was a team in himself. I think the Don was too good - he spoilt the game. I do not think we want to see another one quite like him. I do not think we ever shall."
England batsman Jack Hobbs, 1952
"There's no ruddy best ball to bowl at the Don."
England fast bowler Bill Voce on bowling to Don Bradman, 1933
"With the possible exception of Rolf Harris, no other Australian has inflicted more pain and grief on Englishmen since Don Bradman."
The Daily Mirror reflects on Steve Waugh's retirement
"It's not easy to bat with tears in your eyes."
Don Bradman on being bowled for nought in his final Test innings at the Oval, 1948, after he was applauded all the way to the wicket and given three cheers by the England team.