Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Tied to the toilet

I apologise for the scarcity of posts this week, and also for the scatological nature of this one. I have been ill, you see: a stomach bug originating, we suspect, at Brit Jnr’s nursery and passing through the family with a dramatic snowballing of effectiveness. A few interesting nappies for Baby, a day or two of discomfort and appetite loss for Mummy and last, for Daddy, 24 hours of leg-aches, bowel-liquidation and toilet-clutching puke-spasms. I like to think that I have killed the thing by heroically taking its full brunt. Not the worst I’ve ever had (I once had salmonella poisoning and there were moments there where I really would have welcomed death), but it was a nasty sharp one. The type where between the merciful oblivious periods of sleep children’s songs pound remorselessly round your head (Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle, the cat and the fiddle, the Hey diddle diddle the cat and) and memories of incidents from your past are replayed with a vividness bordering on hallucination.

One of these at least caused me bleak laughter in my delirium. An old university pal once declared, unexpectedly, that he was tired of being ‘tied to the toilet’. “It’s like there’s an invisible elastic cord attaching me to the bog, and every day, several times, I have to keep going back to pay it homage.” Well it’s the kind of thing Eng Lit undergraduates do come out with, but I found it funny. We are all slaves to our bodies, nothing like a violent vomit to remind us of that, and so much for free will et cetera. Sorry if you read this while eating your office sarnies.

9 comments:

  1. I haven't been ill with a stomach bug for a very long time...but as you point out, it seems to be a regular affliction of people with young children, who manage to pick up all kinds of nasties in their travels.

    Memo to self - must employ attractive eastern european au pair to handle potential future child at all times. Possibly with tongs.

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  2. With age, I seem to have lost the ability to vomit. There have been a couple of times over the last few years when I really, really wanted to. Sometimes the feeling of just having vomited seems as desirable as any heaven, but I seem to have lost the knack. A few dry heaves is all I can manage.

    (If it were possible to list all potential blog comments by their unlikeness of actually being posted, this one -- well, actually, wouldn't be anywhere near the top, but it's probably about as high up as I've gotten.)

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  3. Yes I think it does become rarer with age, David. Certainly I was surprised, i can't even remember the previous time I properly hurled. So there is hope yet, perhaps your time to chunder will come again...fingers crossed!

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  4. My eldest son caught a bug and vomited - nor particularly copiously - shortly after he had mastered the art of speaking in coherent sentences (rather than baby-babble). I still remember him looking up pitiably from the pile of sick and wailing "Why has this happened to me? Why can't I have a happy life?" I don't think he was best pleased when I burst out laughing.

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  5. Hope you're feeling a bit better now? Sounds like you need an attentive Eastern European au pair to make you a nice cup of soup.. I'm feeling a little sick myself now

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  6. Hope you're over it now Brit - sounds horrendous. 'Tied to the toilet' reminds me of K. Amis rejoicing at his loss of libido and likening his amorous past to 'being handcuffed to a lunatic for 50 years'.

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  7. Poor you, Brit. However, I can't help smiling smugly as I just can't remember the last time I threw up. Neither step-children nor my own offspring have managed to pass on anything more troubling than a cold. I put it down to having picked up e-coli when small which nearly killed me. Since then only heroic quantities of tequila have had the same effect.

    And wasn't it George Melly who made the lunatic remark, Nige? I seem to remember hearing him say it in a TV interview.

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  8. You may well be right Sophie - it cld certainly apply to both of the old goats. Equally either of them cld have nicked it from the other.

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  9. I've seen the 'chained to a lunatic' line originally attributed to Socrates, but haven't been able to find it anywhere yet.

    That's the Internet for you; dig, dig, dig.

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