Wednesday night is Patronising Busybody Night on Channel 4

20.00 How Clean Is Your House
Kim and Aggie snoop around a three-bedroom house in Clacton-on-Sea before giving it the ultimate deep cleanse.

20.30 You Are What You Eat
Gillian McKeith attempts to persaude Mark and Dean, the new landlords of a countryside pub in Hereford, to drop the booze and bring in the carrot juice in order to reduce their bulging waistlines.

Here’s an idea.

Why don’t Kim and Aggie go round to Gillian McKeith’s house and tell her how to keep it clean, and then Gillian can go round to Kim and Aggie’s house to tell them what to eat, and they can all leave us the hell alone.

Poms vs Convicts

Well, the first Test was pretty dismal, wasn't it?

A magnificent start followed by a tame capitulation, admittedly in the face of outstanding bowling from the best spinner who ever lived, and probably the best seam bowler who ever lived.

So while we wait for those bastards Warne and McGrath to hurry up and finally bloody retire, let's cheer ourselves up with a look at some great Ashes quotes (culled from the Sunday Telegraph):



Us on them

“The aim of English cricket, is in fact, mainly to beat Australians."
Jim Laker in his autobiography, 1960

"The Australian temper is at bottom grim. It is though the sun has dried up his nature."
Sir Neville Cardus

"All Australians are an uneducated and unruly mob."
Douglas Jardine to Australian wicketkeeper Stork Hendry during the Bodyline series, 1932-33.

"I'm very proud, very proud of my heritage - and, unlike Mr Keating, I do have one."
Ian Botham before the 1992 World Cup final in Melbourne. Botham left a banquet after an entertainer made fun of the Queen. The Australian prime minister, Keating, accused him of being "precious"

"Not bad for the worst team ever to leave England."
Mike Gatting on winning the 1986 Ashes, after facing the usual suggestions about his team's weakness


Them on us

"Don't give the bastard a drink- let him die of thirst."
England captain Douglas Jardine's favourite piece of barracking from the crowd in Sydney during the 1932-1933 Bodyline series

"Bailey, I wish you were a statue and I was a pigeon."
Heckle from the Sydney crowd, MCC's 1954/55 tour to Australia

"Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I'm building an idiot."
Australian barracker addressing England's Phil Tufnell 1994-95

"I dunno. Maybe it's that tally-ho lads attitude. You know, there'll always be an England, all that Empire crap they dish out. But I could never cop Poms."
Jeff Thomson, Australian fast bowler, 1987

"McCague will go down in Test cricket history as the rat who joined the sinking ship."
Daily Telegraph Mirror in Sydney on Martin McCague's 1993 selection for England against Australia, where he grew up

"What do you think this is, a f****** tea party? No you can't have a f****** glass of water. You can f****** wait like the rest of us."
Australian captain Allan Border to England batsman Robin Smith, Trent Bridge Test, 1989


Showing that Aussie stereotypes are generally accurate:

"I acted as pacemaker on the first leg - from Melbourne to Honolulu - then others helped out on the last two stretches as I enjoyed a good sleep. When we got to London, Graeme Wood and I were fresh enough to help him off the plane. The man needed some help after 45 cans!"
Dennis Lillee describes Rodney Marsh's attempt at the Australian beer drinking record during the f light from Australia to England for the 1985 Ashes

"In my day 58 beers between London and Sydney would have virtually classified you as a teetotaller."
Ian Chappell, former Australian captain, informed that David Boon drank 58 beers on the flight to England, 1989. Boon claimed to be scared of flying

"G'day, howya going?"
Australian fast bowler Dennis Lillee addressing the Queen at Lord's, 1972



On Warne’s miracle first ball in Ashes cricket:

"How anyone can spin a ball the width of Gatting boggles the mind."
Martin Johnson, in The Independent, on Shane Warne's ball of the century which bowled the famously rotund Mike Gatting in 1993

"If it had been a cheese roll, it would never have got past him."
Graham Gooch continues the theme



On Bradman

"Bradman was a team in himself. I think the Don was too good - he spoilt the game. I do not think we want to see another one quite like him. I do not think we ever shall."
England batsman Jack Hobbs, 1952

"There's no ruddy best ball to bowl at the Don."
England fast bowler Bill Voce on bowling to Don Bradman, 1933

"With the possible exception of Rolf Harris, no other Australian has inflicted more pain and grief on Englishmen since Don Bradman."
The Daily Mirror reflects on Steve Waugh's retirement

"It's not easy to bat with tears in your eyes."
Don Bradman on being bowled for nought in his final Test innings at the Oval, 1948, after he was applauded all the way to the wicket and given three cheers by the England team.

Summer’s here, so it must be sledging time

The first Ashes test is but two days away, which means it’s nearly time for the sweet summer sounds of chirping Aussies in the slips and Glenn ‘Chunterer’ McGrath in the outfield.

This entertaining look at ‘sledging’ from The Times is reproduced in full:

Sledging: It's all downhill
By Rick Broadbent
How the Aussie policy of ‘mental disintegration’ has fallen apart


ONE OF THE GREAT traditions of the Ashes summer is watching young Australian men indulge in fits of machismo while flicking their highlights and licking their white lipstick. If this seems odd, the notion that our distant cousins are masters of the witty put-down and acerbic one-liner is positively certifiable. Indeed, not since Rolf Harris pitched up at Glastonbury with a wobble board and a didgeridoo has anything Antipodean received such questionable billing.

We have got to this state of affairs because of the spin and myth that surrounds the issue of sledging. Some believe that this Aussie-invented code of unethics is full of humour and verve and somehow humanises cricket. The truth is very different. The Aussies may be well-versed in the dark arts of mendacious appeals, garrulous intimidation and snide snipes in the slips, but if by sledging you are referring to the clever aside or cutting remark, Shane Warne and his ilk are distinctly second rate.

Trawl the annals and you will find the Australian cricketer has generally been on the receiving end. Take Jimmy Ormond’s Ashes confrontation with Mark Waugh. The Aussie legend belittled Ormond by asking what a man of his limited ability was doing at the crease. “I may not be the best cricketer in the world,” Ormond responded, “but at least I’m the best in my family.”

Nobody knows whether this had any bearing on Waugh dismissing the relevance of sledging in his biography. “Over-rated,” he bleated.

Merv Hughes was another to come off second best. This was perhaps not surprising since he always appeared to be wearing a tumble-dried ferret on his top lip. “You can’t f***ing bat, mate,” he mumbled at Robin Smith. One boundary later and Smith retorted: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t f***ing bat and you can’t f***ing bowl.”

This state of the nations is a well-worn tradition, given that Britain’s cultural past has spawned Oscar Wilde and William Shakespeare, whereas Australia’s has produced Ned Kelly and Foster’s. An inveterate absence of subtlety led to the birth of sledging in the first place, when New South Wales cricketer Grahame Corling made a faux pas at a party. It was suggested he was as “subtle as a sledgehammer” and, while Corling went on to bask in the nickname “Percy”, after the soul singer, Australia proceeded to abuse merrily scores of batsmen under the misnomer of “competitive spirit”.

Sledging is obviously designed to intimidate a batsman, which seems fair enough if it does not fall below a certain level. Racist and religious slurs, for example, are now considered taboo — albeit this brings to mind the advert for the Ashes which portrays Shane Warne as a convict heading for Australia, with the pay-off line: “I’ll be back.”

This was a radical step in that the more politically correct would accuse Warne of national stereotyping and, thus, racially abusing himself.

The introduction of microphones by the stumps mean we have grown accustomed to the unique humour of the Aussie “mental disintegration” programme. This, generally, constitutes several people saying, “bowled, Warnie” at any given time. The batsman, who may have been playing Warne with aplomb, will then develop the backbone of a jellyfish, give up his wicket, the Ashes will be surrendered and people will write articles about sledging. The only flaw in this argument is it is tosh. The Aussies win because they are better at cricket than England. Indeed, I would be bold enough to suggest that Brett Lee is more intimidating when bowling at 90mph than scowling at you like the lost member of Busted.

In recent times the Aussies have accepted they have gone too far. In 2003 a debate between Glenn McGrath and the West Indies vice-captain was picked up and broadcast live. It encompassed oral sex, infidelity and homosexuality, was peppered with expletives and caused many red faces. It resulted in Cricket Australia introducing a code of conduct.

It may be that England do not win the Ashes, but at the very least they should be able to win the battle of wits. Nothing succeeds like excess, said Wilde, but if the Australians are truly committed to toning down their sledging it is probably because, after years of being stumped by English ripostes, they have come to the belated realisation that they are not very good at it.

------

The Aussies may have invented sledging as a tactic to intimidate or undermine batsmen, but they seem to always be on the receiving end of the Wildean put-down in the most famous exchanges. Here are a few more classics:

Shane Warne versus Daryll Cullinan
As South African Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, the famously ‘big-boned’ Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted

Glenn McGrath versus Eddo Brandes
McGrath was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: "Why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit." Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.

Greg Thomas vs Viv Richards
Greg Thomas was bowling to West Indian legend Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb out swinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces." Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and replies, "Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

Here are two stupid reactions to the London bombings:

Dilpazier Aslam in the Guardian:

If I'm asked about 7/7, I - a Yorkshire lad, born and bred - will respond first by giving an out-clause to being labelled a terrorist lover. I think what happened in London was a sad day and not the way to express your political anger.

Then there's the "but". If, as police announced yesterday, four men (at least three from Yorkshire) blew themselves up in the name of Islam, then please let us do ourselves a favour and not act shocked.

Shocked would be to suggest we didn't appreciate that when Falluja was flattened, the people under it were dead but not forgotten - long after we had moved on to reading more interesting headlines about the Olympics. It is not the done thing to make such comparisons, but Muslims on the street do. Some 2,749 people were killed in the 9/11 attacks. To discover the cost of "liberating" Iraqis you need to multiply that figure by eight, and still you will fall short of the estimated minimum of 22,787 civilian Iraqi casualties to date. But it's not cool to say this, now that London's skyline has also has plumed grey.

Shocked would also be to suggest that the bombings happened through no responsibility of our own. OK, the streets of London were filled with anti-war marchers, so why punish the average Londoner? But the argument that this was an essentially US-led war does not pass muster. In the Muslim world, the pond that divides Britain and America is a shallow one. And the same cry - why punish us? - is often heard from Iraqi mothers as the "collateral damage" increases daily.

And Mark Steyn in the Telegraph:

It has been sobering this past week watching some of my "woollier" colleagues (in Vicki Woods's self-designation) gradually awake to the realisation that the real suicide bomb is "multiculturalism". Its remorseless tick-tock, suddenly louder than the ethnic drumming at an anti-globalisation demo, drove poor old Boris Johnson into rampaging around this page last Thursday like some demented late-night karaoke one-man Fiddler on the Roof, stamping his feet and bellowing, "Tradition! Tradition!" Boris's plea for more Britishness was heartfelt and valiant, but I'm not sure I'd bet on it. The London bombers were, to the naked eye, assimilated - they ate fish 'n' chips, played cricket, sported appalling leisurewear. They'd adopted so many trees we couldn't see they lacked the big overarching forest - the essence of identity, of allegiance. As I've said before, you can't assimilate with a nullity - which is what multiculturalism is.

--------



After 9/11, there were many possible reactions.

The worst and most misguided, from right or left, were knee-jerk anti-Islamicism and knee-jerk anti-Americanism.

The latter is not just revealed in Galloway’s pathetic bombast. It’s also in all those simpering articles urging Americans and other Western democracies to ‘look at themselves, and find out why they are so hated.’ In other words, we need to find out what we’ve done wrong to bring this kind of thing on ourselves.

Of course we don’t. Thankfully, Blair took the correct attitude, which was to affirm that these mad and evil acts won’t change anything about our way of life, except to make us more determined to prevent and punish mad and evil acts.

Exactly the same applies to the London bombings.

When dealing with people who want to indiscriminately kill as many innocent people as possible, plus themselves, because they want to be rewarded in Paradise, it is not necessary to sympathise and introspect. You only need to prevent and punish, starting with the removal of extremist Islamic clerics, and the military targeting of Al Qaeda training camps.

Steyn uses the terrorist act to beat his multiculturalism drum. Aslam uses it to criticise the West. Both miss the point, and both, despite coming from opposite ends of the political spectrum, end up spouting the same nonsense: “It’s our fault, we brought this on ourselves!”

To combat extreme-Right Islamophobia, the Left correctly points out that Islamic terrorists are a tiny minority of lunatics, and that the vast majority Muslims get on with it and live peacefully with their western neighbours. Yet they choose to ignore this same fact when blaming the West for ‘alienating’ Muslims.

Small numbers of mad and evil people exist in all societies. This is the current crop in ours. We only need to 'understand' them in so far as it will help us to discover and destroy them.

Apologising for them, introspecting, wondering how we could have made them happier - all of these are a complete waste of time.

And this year’s Berlusconi Award for International Diplomacy goes to…

The Telegraph (and everyone else) reports:

Anglo-French tensions heightened last night after Jacques Chirac delivered a series of insults to Britain as London and Paris fought to secure the 2012 Olympic Games and faced fresh disagreement at the G8 summit.

The president, chatting to the German and Russian leaders in a Russian cafe, said: "The only thing [the British] have ever given European farming is mad cow." Then, like generations of French people before him, he also poked fun at British cuisine

You can't trust people who cook as badly as that," he said. "After Finland, it's the country with the worst food."

"But what about hamburgers?" said Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, referring to America.

"Oh no, hamburgers are nothing in comparison," Mr Chirac said.

Mr Putin and Gerhard Schröder, the German chancellor, laughed. Mr Chirac then recalled how George Robertson, the former Nato secretary general and a former defence secretary in Tony Blair's Cabinet, had once made him try an "unappetising" Scottish dish, apparently meaning haggis.

"That's where our problems with Nato come from," he said.



And presumably they continued tucking into their tasty dishes of frogs’ legs, snails, sauerkraut and, in the case of Mr Putin, one middling potato (for which he had queued eight hours in the snow).

British cuisine jokes, as I’ve pointed out before, are as 80's as Skoda jokes.

Wot, no Nik Kershaw, Howard Jones or Thompson Twins?

Says the Telegraph:

Good job, Bob

If it had been left up to aid activists and preening rock stars, Live8 would have been a nightmare of Bush- and Pope-bashing. You would hardly have been able to hear the bands for the roar of righteous indignation. But that is not the way Live8 turned out - thanks to Bob Geldof.

The music industry's anti-American bores did not hijack Saturday's extraordinary concert in Hyde Park, for the simple reason that the organiser did not allow them to do so. His instruction was simple: music, not ranting. And an instruction from Mr Geldof is not lightly disobeyed.

The former Boomtown Rat is one of those outspoken people who are so utterly fearless in their choice of target that they end up achieving more than the most skilled diplomat. On this occasion, he told the complacent middle classes all over the world to think about African poverty, and a line-up of rock stars to shut up about George W Bush.

As a result, he achieved a near-miracle: an event that awakened our consciences without getting up our noses.

And the concert was pretty good, too

Especially the geriatrics. The Who and the reunited Floyd were great, and full marks to McCartney for blasting out the most abrasive song in his canon, Helter Skelter.

The music was way better than in the original Live Aid, which is remembered for Freddie Mercury and U2, but was mostly a succession of rotten and long-forgotten 80s acts who’d poured all their creative energy into growing ever more improbable mullets.

In fact, Mariah Carey and her backing group “the African schools’ choir” (bit vague that – which country are they from? Oh you know, Africa) aside, there was very little to cringe or sneer at during Live8, apart from a clip of American rapper Kayne West in Philadelphia berating the G8 “politicians who drive home in their Bentleys every night and watch thousands of Africans die” (and what car do you drive I wonder, Mr West? Nothing. OK, so my chauffeur drives a limo with a pool, three bars and a tennis court).

Of course some of the stars were there for ego and unit-shifting purposes (though Carey was the only one in Hyde Park to commit the mortal charity concert sin of plugging her new single instead of belting out a greatest hit). And of course few if any of them would be prepared to admit that solving Africa’s problems is rather more complex than telling Mr Bush and Mr Blair to jolly well do something cos can’t you see that people are dying here, man?

But complexity shouldn’t be an excuse for blanket cynicism, hopelessness or a lack of compassion. Geldof has achieved his aim of getting Africa on the agenda for middle England (and hopefully middle America and middle everywhere else).

Nothing wrong with that. The middle is the key to almost everything.

Quinglish Watch: The Society for Hosting Dinner Parties in Silly Places

According to the BBC:

A team of explorers say they have broken a world record to host a dinner party at a table suspended below a hot air balloon at 24,000ft (7,315m).

David Hempleman-Adams, Bear Grylls and Lieutenant Commander Alan Veal were all involved in the unusual and dangerous challenge in Somerset.

A three-course spread was laid on for Mr Grylls and Lt Com Veal who abseiled from the balloon's basket to the table.

They saluted the Queen before skydiving to earth.



Hempleman-Adams was the first Briton to walk solo and unsupported to the South Pole, and the first man to fly a balloon over the North Pole.

Bear Grylls, a former member of the British SAS, was one of the youngest climbers to reach the summit of Mount Everest and return alive in 1997, aged 22.

I understand that they are also active members of the Society for Putting Things On Top of Other Things.

Identity crisis

From the Independent:

Tony Blair's majority was cut by more than half last night as concessions over plans for ID cards failed to prevent the first major Labour rebellion since the general election.

Twenty Labour MPs rebelled over the measure, and others abstained, sending a warning message to the Prime Minister after Charles Clarke made a string of concessions designed to quell a wave of opposition to the scheme.

MPs backed the ID Cards Bill by 314 votes to 283, a majority of 31 after a heated day-long debate as Mr Blair won the first significant parliamentary battle since the general election had reduced his majority to 67.

They reinforced their message, forcing a series of technical votes on the timetable for debate and funding for the scheme.

Mr Clarke pledged to cap the cost of the cards, floated the idea of cut-price fees for people on low incomes and promised to produce a full outline of the scheme's cost before the ID Cards Bill completes is passage in the House of Commons.


I loathe the idea of compulsory ID cards, especially when they’ll cost you £100 or more a pop. But even leaving the ‘police state’ implications aside, think of the practical consequences.

You think it’s a panic when you can’t find your passport? Imagine the hullabaloo when you lose one of these things down the back of the sofa.

In the navy...

Continuing the Trafalgar theme, there are some great images from the celebrations in Portsmouth last night:




















But given the, ahem, reputation of sailors and their less illustrious behaviours at sea, was this routine really such a good idea?...

Quinglish Watch: the life of Richard Whiteley

Richard Whiteley, host of Channel 4’s long-running show Countdown, died yesterday aged 61.



From the BBC’s obituary:

Richard Whiteley, who has died aged 61, endeared himself to millions of television viewers as the avuncular host of Countdown, the cult word game show whose fans include the Queen. A veteran TV journalist, he was once savaged, live and on-air, by a ferret.


Whiteley, a man with almost no talent whatsoever, other than a sort of bumbling charm and an ability to conjure tortuous puns out of nowhere, nonetheless managed to clock up more hours on British television (and more than 10,000 appearances) than anybody else bar the Test Card girl.

Bizarrely, he was also the first journalist to interview Margaret Thatcher after the Brighton bombing.

Countdown – the words-and-numbers "low-tech parlour game" ­– has been running virtually unchanged every week night for 23 years.

You’d think Whiteley would have got good at presenting it in that time, but he always retained the air of a man for whom it was his first day on the job, and he didn’t really know what he was doing, but he would have a bash at it and well, just muddle along somehow.

In that respect, he was one of the great English professional amateurs.

RIP, you old duffer.

Next thing we’ll be apologising for it

BBC News reports:

Trafalgar mock-up 'pretty stupid'

Lord Nelson's closest living relative has fired a shot across the bows of the Trafalgar 200 celebrations, labelling some of them as "pretty stupid".

Anna Tribe, 75 and the great, great, great granddaughter of the admiral, criticised a mock-up of the 1805 sea battle as "politically correct".

Tuesday's re-enactment in the Solent will pit reds against blues, not English against French and Spanish.

The organisers said they were not attempting to re-create Trafalgar.

Second Sea Lord, Vice Admiral Sir James Burnell-Nugent, said the event was "a celebration of a battle at sea at the time of Nelson - not an exact mock-up of the British and French at Trafalgar".

A fleet of 17 ships from five nations will take part in the re-enactment, off Southsea, Hampshire, after the international fleet review.

But Mrs Tribe, from Monmouthshire, said: "The idea of the blue team fighting the red team is pretty stupid.

"I am sure the French and Spanish are adult enough to appreciate we did win that battle."

...Don't bet your house on it.

Well, it’s a living…

From BBC News:

Michael Jackson fans have come up with a novel form of memorabilia to mark the singer's acquittal on child abuse charges - toast with his face on it.

Slices of toast with the star's likeness and slogans such as "not guilty" have appeared on internet auction site eBay.

Vendors claimed the slices were not faked - but popped out of their toasters before or during the verdicts.

Toast said to look like the Virgin Mary sold for $28,000 (£15,400) last year.

That appears to have sparked a craze for novelty toast on eBay.

Slices currently on sale carry pictures of people ranging from Elvis Presley to Yoda, with a sideline in toast depicting jars of air breathed by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. (sic - I think that should be "a sideline in jars of air breathed by Brad Pitt and Anglelina Jolie". Toast depicting those jars would surely be a step too far even by these shoddy standards - ed.)

One Michael Jackson fan promised: "This is a wonderful memento of this historic day that you will cherish for years to come."

Another said: "As I was watched the jury's verdict being announced on June 13, 2005, my toast popped up just as Michael was acquitted."

One vendor said a slice with "not guilty" written on it popped up just before the verdicts.

"I was shocked, so I saved it and waited, and then today at 4.30pm my time it came on the news, and there it was - Michael Jackson is found not guilty," they wrote.



I once had a crumpet that looked just like Bob Monkhouse. Ate it. Probably be worth a fortune now. Bloody typical.

In other news, Pope fined for being Catholic

Reports Cricket 365:

Australian all-rounder Andrew Symonds has apologised after being handed a two-match suspension and fined for being out "later than was appropriate" ahead of Saturday's NatWest Series clash with Bangladesh at Sophia Gardens.

The 30-year-old was initially included in the side but then axed 10 minutes before skipper Ricky Ponting was due to toss up after his behaviour came to light.

Reports in Australia claim the former Kent and Gloucestershire player had been drinking into the early hours of Saturday morning and that alcohol was smelt on his breath by his team-mates when preparing for the 50-over contest.


Seems a bit harsh to punish an Aussie for drinking.

Oh, this best of all possible worlds

England leave Australia in turmoil
Mike Selvey in Bristol
Monday June 20, 2005
The Guardian

Kevin Pietersen, surfing a monster wave of adrenalin, almost single-handedly drove England to a dramatic victory yesterday in a match that had seemed beyond them until a final devastating assault brought 39 runs from four overs.

Pietersen, with immaculate planning and ruthless efficiency, bludgeoned Australia's bowling into submission, scoring an unbeaten 91 from 65 balls, with eight fours and four vast sixes. Each six was struck with immense power, three of them over long-on and another swung high over square-leg. This is an absolutely outstanding player.

England had been asked to score 253 to win - three more than Bangladesh had made to beat Australia the previous day - and at 214 for six, with seven overs remaining and the great new-ball pairing of Glenn McGrath and Jason Gillespie poised to bowl, the game appeared to be up.
Instead Pietersen found an ally in the local boy Jon Lewis. The Gloucestershire bowler kept an end up, nudging his singles and giving the strike to his partner, who responded by setting himself in a wide stance and simply blasting Gillespie into oblivion, so that the Australian was left bemused and shaking his head as he soaked up the derision of the delirious crowd.

Even when the target had come down to the sort of proportions where something more circumspect might have seemed the best tactic, Pietersen stayed true to himself and fired away regardless. It was his game to win or lose and he was going to do it his way. In the end there were still 15 balls left when Lewis, with a nice sense of occasion, nudged the winning run to third man. It was not even close.

….

Australia are now officially in disarray, with four matches lost in a row, each of increasing importance. This game may have been inconsequential in terms of the eventual outcome of the NatWest Series since, barring more miracles by Bangladesh, England and Australia will meet in the final at Lord's on Saturday week but the result has massive implications.

This was the match in which Australia were going to come back hard after the embarrassments earlier in the week. But they did not carry the air of a side in harmony, unavoidably arriving later than they would have liked and then announcing that their key all-rounder Andrew Symonds had been keeping milkman's hours and would miss yesterday's game in addition to that on Saturday in Cardiff.

Instead England laid down a marker for the rest of the summer: first through Steve Harmison, who conjured up his finest one-day bowling figures, then through Michael Vaughan, who scrapped hard for a half-century that steadied his side, and then Pietersen.

There was also a catch by Paul Collingwood the like of which had not been seen before on this ground, nor many others for that matter. If such things are becoming more commonplace, this may just have been the precursor to Australia's downfall. Matthew Hayden had made 31 and was beginning to cut loose when he cut hard at Harmison. The ball was struck with power and was rising as it reached Collingwood at backward point. The fielder, leaping high, initially contemplated taking the ball left-handed. But he changed tack, stretched and clutched the ball with his right. Hayden was not alone in staring in disbelief.



Well that’s made my summer.

Think of England and its old Dad witnessed a storming day of cricket.

The sunshine was glorious, the beer flowed and the capacity crowd was riotous.

In order of wondrousness and general hilarity:
1) Pietersen’s winning innings, with some of the most brutal hitting the Aussies have ever received

2) Collingwood’s impossible catch, which is the best I’ve ever seen in any game

3) Harmison's three wickets in four balls

4) Gillespie’s face as he was clobbered over deep mid-wicket for yet another six

5) Local lad Jon Lewis stroking the winning run

6) The streaker in a green fright wig who, ducking and weaving like a thin, white, nude Jason Robinson, contrived to evade the pathetic rugby tackles of six burly stewards for three full minutes before they managed to bring him down and cuff him and then, to the delight of the bellowing crowd, carry him off at horizontal full-length, as if he were the leading lady being borne off stage at the end of a spectacular song-and-dance number.

Now this is just getting silly...

BBC News

Bangladesh humble sorry Australia

NatWest Series, Cardiff:Australia 249-5 v Bangladesh 250-5 (49.2 overs)

Bangladesh pulled off one of the biggest shocks in cricket history after sealing a five-wicket victory over world champions Australia in Cardiff.

Mohammad Ashraful's brilliant 100 laid the foundations for the win, while Aftab Ahmed and Mohammad Rafique held their nerve to score the winning runs.

The defeat was Australia's third in a row since arriving for the Ashes tour.

Australia struggled to 249-5, losing two wickets in the first six overs after winning the toss.

Arashfal made his amazing century - just the second by a Bangladesh batsman in a one-day international - at a run-a-ball to put the 11th-ranked one-day team in with a chance.

His departure - getting caught in the deep by Brad Hogg off Jason Gillespie - had put the result in doubt as a clearly out-of-sorts Australia battled to save face.

But a composed final few overs from Aftab and Rafique took Bangladesh past the winning post.
As the tension mounted, a brilliant six of the first ball of the final over from Aftab brought Bangladesh level.

And a scrambled single off the next delivery sealed a fairytale victory with four balls to spare.

The win was only Bangladesh's 10th win in 108 one-day internationals.



A still-cautious, but slightly less so than last time, Tee hee hee.

Of course I’m not going to get over-excited yet…

…hopes have been dashed too many times before. Yet, as the Guardian reports:

Another one in the eye for Australia

Australians 342-5; Somerset 345-6: Somerset won by four wickets

David Hopps in Taunton
Thursday June 16, 2005

Australia claimed that their Twenty20 thrashing against England was "just a bit of fun", so presumably defeat yesterday against Somerset ranked as bloody hilarious.

Not for Ricky Ponting it didn't. Australia's captain looked incandescent about a tour which has begun in disarray.

"It was pretty embarrassing," he spat. "The way we have played the last couple of days we will have our work cut out to beat Bangladesh."

Australia, beaten by four wickets with 19 balls to spare, headed to Cardiff last night for their opening NatWest Series match against Bangladesh on Saturday with Brett Lee facing a scan on an injured shoulder, with their bowling looking strangely vulnerable and with them fielding like old men.


I know that pride comes before a fall, you should never count your chickens and that he who laughs last etc, but all the same…

...Tee hee.